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9.07.2010



well, what can i say? welcome to the hardest day of my life. i told all of you that i would take you along for my journey and it pains me more than you know to have to be sharing this news. let me start off by saying this: my plans for this move to california were to fly out september 3rd, spend a few days here with my amazing sister (who was flying out from hawaii to spend the weekend searching for apartments with me), fly home september 16th for my best friend's birthday, and then fly back to california on the 21st. we booked my tickets with southwest (because they give you no penalty for changing your flight) incase i found a place but wasn't able to move in right away. that way, if i had already checked finding an apartment off my list, i could come home earlier than the 16th to spend time with wilbur instead of sleeping on someone's couch.

the past few days have been amazing. not only have i found a place to live, but every person that we've come into contact with has been excessively nice..eerie right? i've taken some great pictures, eaten at some incredible diners, and even been to a sushi restaurant where the waiters sing and dance. i have so many positive things to blog about, and i promise you'll be reading about those adventures soon, but for now, the truth is that i only have enough energy to share this story with you. so here it goes:

last night, my parents told me that wilbur was starting to seem a little weak and less responsive. as soon as i heard that, i told them that since i had already found a place, there was no reason for me to stay here until the 16th. i wasn't planning on hopping on a plane immediately, i had planned to stay until thursday to give myself a few days here to explore the area. i knew i needed to come home way sooner than the 16th to be with wilbur, but i had no idea how soon. as my sister and i were eating breakfast this morning, i received a call from my parents and the second i heard my dad's voice, i knew something was wrong. my parents spent the morning with wilbur and told me that the difference between his behavior from yesterday to today was like night and day. he had drastically gone downhill from the previous day. although my immediate reaction was "get me on a plane home right now," by the time my sister and i were upstairs in our room searching for flights, my parents told me that not only were they very certain he wouldn't make it through till midnight, which was the soonest i would arrive in raleigh, but that they weren't even sure he would make it through the next few hours. i knew that the most compassionate thing i could do for wilbur was to let him go and give my parents my permission to take him to vet.

so, tomorrow morning i fly home. to be in a familiar place, to be in the arms of my parents, and to regain my strength and balance. today was an experience unlike anything i've ever felt and i can't even begin to describe the range of emotions i've gone through. it's amazing how a furry little thing who doesn't even speak the same language as you can become your best friend, your son/daughter, and one of your soulmates. all i can say is that i was blessed to have two unbelievable parents who took such good care of wilbur in his last few moments, an incredible sister who changed her flight to be with me one more day and put her arms around me as i cried, and an extraordinary best friend who listened to every thought and every tear come spilling out through the phone and reminded me (as she often does) of something positive--this is quoted straight from an email she sent me:

"I honestly think the reason Wilbur seemed so happy to you is because he wanted that to be the last thoughts you had of him, happiness. He is a smart cat, he was waiting for you to leave so that he could too. He didn't want to die around you so you could carry that heavy weight. I know you wanted to be there, but he knew better."

even though there is an overwhelming amount of sadness hovering over me that i know i'm not going to be able to shake for a while, i still felt the tiniest bit of sunshine trying to beam through when sara reminded me that this is how wilbur wanted things all along. with tears in her eyes, tonight my sister told me she believed that this was wilbur's way of saying "go fanny! go to LA!" he knew how much it meant to me and by sending me off while he was still well, it was almost a "gift" as my sister's put it. most of today has been a series of "i wish i had..." but sara reminded me that doing that is only going to drag me down deeper and make this ten times harder for me. i know she's right, she's always right about stuff like this. so for now, i'm going home to heal and california (and my apartment, which i promise i'll tell you all about) will be waiting for me when i come back without these tears in my eyes.

thank you to those who have taken the time to read this, it means so much to me and i only have a small favor to ask. i ask that all of you please send your thoughts and prayers that wilbur is no longer in pain. that he is somewhere sunny and wonderful where catnip rains from the sky and his heart is full of happiness and love.

                                               RIP wilbur <3 i love you and i will miss you every day 
















 

2 comments:

Casey said...

Last summer, my very first puppy, Brindy, died suddenly. She was only 5 months old, and I had gone to the beach for a few days with my mom when I got a call saying Brindy had a seizure and passed away. I know exactly what you're going through, and you will honestly feel more sad about Wilbur's death than the death of a human. I still miss Brindy EVERY day and still sometimes cry about her, but, I know that I gave her the best life she could have and now she's up in doggy heaven. You will be okay eventually, and I bet there's another special feline looking for a loving Mommy out there...

Lauren said...

Fanny,

I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I know how much Wilbur meant to you. I wish there were words that I could say to ease your pain, but I can say that I know he is in a much better place with tons of space to roam around and lots of catnip to eat. :) I'm here if you ever need to talk.

Love you.